and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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