My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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