Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
