Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Randomize
