from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
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gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
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If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.