Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
