Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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