birth control should be required to get into college
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
