just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
