I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.