You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot