having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
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It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
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IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Omg the world wants us to be better people