I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
