About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I think your dad took our porno
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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