You made eat vitamins until I threw up
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
