Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
