Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Randomize
