I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
my shit smells like andre
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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