Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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