we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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