It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
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last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
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I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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