WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
