Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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