Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
