my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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