i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
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you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
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Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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