I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
