how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
