Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
They have beer where we have blood.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
