Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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