i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
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I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
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Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
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