Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
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You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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