My sheets look like a crime scene.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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