I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Randomize
