my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
