Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
pray to the hookup gods
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Randomize
