I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
