Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
