The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
