the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
