Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
