Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Randomize
