Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Can i not drive my cunt home
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
