to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
