I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
