we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
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Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
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