I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Randomize
