rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
