Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
