you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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