My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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