i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Randomize
