When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
