pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I just want to make out with him forever
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
