I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Randomize
