He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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