Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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