Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
