I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Randomize
