id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
