Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
