Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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