how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
