wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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