I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
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