I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Randomize
