This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
