is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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